Mourn Closed Doors, Then Open New Ones

Life is full of disappointments. I am embarrassed to say I didn’t always realize that. Didn’t seem to have “disappointments happen all that often.” Well, its true. And we all really do have them, eventually. At this phase of my life, I am in the middle(hopefully very near the end of the big D word, “divorce”.) It’s a nasty, ugly, bitter, lets make a lifetime movie out of it kind of divorce. More twists and turns than one could imagine. Comical one minute, head shaking in disbelief at times, and infuriating the next. Now to be clear. I don’t believe in divorce. I know, that makes no sense. And its not like it even matters, right? Because I am in it. No, I didn’t choose it. I also know I would have never initiated it. And like the rest of the world, I didn’t get married thinking oh someday this may end in divorce. I mean, does anyone think that way? But 2 years ago when my soon to be Ex made this decision for our  family of 6, he loved to justify it with his perceived facts. One of his  favorites was that over 50% of the population gets divorced, this happens. (thats not actually a true fact, but oh well.) As if somehow I would say well then, I feel so much better and so do the kids, we are so happy you decided on our behalf for us to be in THAT half of the group! In hindsight(which I can and likely will say about hundreds of things, I should have realized that since this was his 2nd marriage, walking away wouldn’t be all that hard!) In fact since stats were brought into this, stats show that over 70% of second marriages end in divorce. I read that, don’t know if its a true fact, but to me it sounds just as good as using his other stat. Regardless, it’s not good!

Now, fast forward to exactly 2 years later to the night this “news” of our marriage is over was delivered (hence this post tonight) I still don’t “believe in divorce” and If I could go back in time I am sure I would do a lot of things different…….Now here comes my “BUT” BUT I now believe that us staying married was NOT the plan for my life, or my kids life. I fully believe that now. Don’t worry, I spent months begging, apologizing( I cringe at that part now,) blaming myself(more cringing) and as I so beautifully have referred to that time frame I was a puddle on the floor. Kind of literally. Lovely visual, right? I remember telling one of my friends how I would escape to my closet so I could sob, alone, in the quiet, where no one could hear me or find me. That shit was real. But I fully believed, and still do in theory, that with hard work, open and honest communication, both parties willing to try for what is right and best for the family, marriages can be restored, and in many cases even be BETTER. But it takes two and it takes HARD WORK and I may get a lot of argument here, but it is my personal belief that once a 3rd party is brought into a marriage, it makes it that much harder to repair. I know some do. And I don’t judge that, not in the LEAST. I fully believe none of us walk in each others shoes and we should not EVER say we know what we would do…..because we don’t. We really don’t.

So here we are two years later. And what I know with all of my being, is we were NOT meant to stay married.  We now  function as a “party of 5,” with a puppy who made us 6 again, and we are surviving. Are we all healed? No way! Do we have some really bad days? Of course we do! There’s me, mama bear,  strong willed, hard working, passionate, fiery temper, previous trust issues now magnified even more, but determined that we WILL all be better than ok when it all finally settles.  And there are the boys. Depending which boy it is we have a range of “feelings” towards our new family set up. I will say this. The 2 oldest had to grow up fast. In case you don’t know, Tweens and Teens know a LOT more about real life than we did at their age and they have a very strong opinion about indiscretions. I PRAY daily they keep this with them and change the course of behavior that was modeled for them in not only one, but 2 generations. Then we go to the younger boy and his needs and his emotions are very different, just as they should be. And then there is that daughter of mine, the baby, the caboose. So young and so innocent and has truly no idea what has hit her and how this will impact her life as she grows into a woman one day. I know there will be a LOT of repairing that needs to be done and we will work towards that for years to come.

So here we are bringing on year 3 of our “new normal.” I spent time today remembering “this dreadful night” in 2016. I thought my life was literally over.  Having a great memory is usually a blessing, in this case I kinda wish the details weren’t so clear. But here is the good news for me and my kids and I hope and pray its also good for anyone else going through this traumatic life event that may read this post. Because honestly, all it is now is a memory. It’s not fresh. There are no more tears from grief. There is no more blaming and apologizing. Is there still anger? Absolutely. Maybe it will disappear someday. Time will tell. Have I hit forgiveness? I would be lying if I said yes. Let’s not get crazy. It’s a process, for sure. I have accepted its out of my control. I have accepted me and the kids will NEVER get the apology we deserve. I have accepted that the plan for our life didn’t involve that 6th person. That we are on a different path and that the path we are now on is for the better. I have accepted that I am not exempt from disappointments. How childish that I thought I was. I encourage everyone to see  closed doors when they close, mourn the closed door in your way, in your time, and however helps to heal you and become the person you are destined to be. Then look to the open doors. The doors that have opened for me in the past 2 years I would have never seen coming. And I am forever grateful that God’s plan to close a pretty big door has led me and the kids on the path we are on today. Grateful for 3-6-16. The pain was real and the pain was unbearable. But the bounce-back has been a blessing  I never saw coming.I believe we all have those blessings coming to us, but we have to open the doors to see them.  Love to you all, Be Brave!