I DO. I DID. I’m DONE

I’m back. 7 months since my last piece but I am ready. Today anyway. Admittedly, still a work in progress.

I Do. I DID. I’m DONE. Cliche’, I know. Yet real and true and exactly how I feel a week after closing the chapter of a book that was mostly written for me. But was it? That’s the million $ question. A lot has happened and changed since my first “blog” entry. I was (and still am) winging it on this writing gig of mine. And I have decided that’s ok. I will do this when I want to, when I feel like it, when I have something to say and when I think there is something someone out there needs to hear. Clearly, that is today.

So here I am, in this new chapter. Officially Divorced. A word I never planned to be. Divorce happened to other people, people who didn’t have their shit together, people who should have never gotten married in the first place, people who clearly didn’t try hard enough, work hard enough or understand “real love.” Just going to state it here now. That’s all a bunch of BS in case my sarcasm didn’t come through loud and clear. None of that is true, anything can happen to anyone, and just because we all have a view of how we want things to be, doesn’t mean that the Universe, God and whatever else you choose to believe in presents it to us in exactly the way we mapped out and planned.

Now back to my statement and question above. Was the book written for me or did I play a role? While I am certain I am still and likely always will be learning and growing I can without an ounce of doubt say today that my answer is VERY different than it was when this book all began. I did life “right.” That version of “right” that so many of us fall prey to that is. I didn’t marry too young, didn’t have kids too young, had a great career, climbed the corporate ladder, dressed the part, traveled the world, made the big bucks, lived very well, played the part of working wife and mom, attended the social functions….you get the drill. I also had a career that I had no passion for, I spent money like it was water,  I never saw my kids or husband because I was on the road, I cared what others thought about my life, my clothes, my house, I cared if I wasn’t invited to the “right parties” and I had less  REAL friends than I wanted to have. I worried about so much, most of the time, things that seriously are so silly to me now that I can’t believe that was me. I also neglected my relationship with my husband. Now, before anyone that knows the whole story thinks I am taking the blame, don’t get crazy on me. I am simply saying it takes two to tango and being in a passionless marital situation takes 2 people, not just one and I am fully content with owning my role in the ultimate demise of my marriage. So yes, I did play a role in the book, and I know now that this book needed to play out just the way it did, in order for me to get to this much needed, much anticipated, life changing chapter.

My life looks very different today than it did all those years ago. I no longer work in a job I hate. I am no longer a slave to the corporate 60 hour work week. I no longer spend unneeded money on unneeded things for me or for my kids. I rarely “dress the part” before 2:00 pm.  I no longer have a daily argument with a spouse because it is the only way we knew how to communicate anymore. I no longer worry about the pretenses and people liking me and worrying about why so and so gave me the cold shoulder at the grocery store. Instead I now have my own business that I fully control. In time and income. I see my kids. They now know their mom. I understand now that life happens, change happens and no one is immune from this. I know that a “cold shoulder” has nothing to do with me. I know that I will not be everyone’s cup of tea and not everyone will be mine. I have learned that you can move past hate and turn it into indifference. I have learned that kids are as resilient as everyone likes to say. I have learned what TRUE friendship is and what surface friendship is like. I have learned that real support often comes from very unexpected places. I have learned that what makes some people not support you  has everything to do with them. And mostly,  I have learned that you can get over what you once thought would kill you and that there really are “more fish in the sea.”

I don’t know what this next chapter and the one after and the one after will bring. But I do know this. I am a much more accepting, loving and positive person than I ever was before. I have found passions I didn’t even know I had. I have a desire that is so crazy big to help other women who have no idea how to break out of a cycle of living a life that no longer fulfills them. And I know that pain is real. I know that when you have no idea how you will get out of bed that somehow eventually you do. I know that you become so much stronger after the pain is gone. I know that no-one and I mean no-ones experiences are the same and that love, support, a funny meme, a text,  a spontaneous adventure, a shoulder to cry on, lots of self help books, a therapist you actually like, too much wine or too much coffee and maybe even some crazy shenanigans every once in awhile can be the answer to overall long term healing. This chapter calls me to pay it forward and while I don’t know exactly what that fully looks like just yet, I. do know that my calling is to serve other women and I plan to find my many ways that I plan to do just that.

Published by

shoespartyof5

Single Mom of 4 kids and 1 crazy puppy. Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Friend. Warrior. Learning . Growing. Manifesting. Empowering like minded women focused on growing and creating the life we want and deserve. We can all start over and find happiness in doing so.

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