March. Spring. Sun. Spring Break. This is a month I have always loved. I assume that’s why the fact that I am not “loving” March is hard for me to wrap my arms around. I also think the fact that this feeling came out of nowhere and was unexpected has actually made me mad. Mad that my normally positive, love my new life (most of the time,) and more chill than I have ever been way of living has been “disrupted” this March by these feelings. These feelings that have come rushing in like a bit of a tidal wave and I don’t like it, not one bit. So instead of fighting it I am here. Choosing to turn these feelings of what I think I have identified as anger, disappointment, lack of understanding and often just frustration into a way for me to share what is happening, 2 years later, and hopefully serve someone else in the process. So maybe its OK that I won’t “love” March for a while. Just because I didn’t see it coming at me this year, doesn’t mean its not a natural and normal reaction to my life changes. I am sure this is all part of that (lack of) control thing I am destined to learn. Always thought I was a fast learner, but maybe not as much as I thought, not when it comes to this personal growth thing anyway.
So what’s wrong with March? It’s just a month. Here it is, or so I think here it is. I will start with Spring Break. I once again had to tell my 2 younger kids that no, we can’t financially take a Spring Break trip AGAIN this year. I know, poor us, right? I know it sounds shallow. I get it. It sounds like some spoiled family who wants a week away like “everyone else does.” Its not how I mean it. Not in the least. There were many years we didn’t go on Spring Break “before” by choice. And, I am sure truth be told its harder for me than it is them. What’s hard is that I want to give them that again. Like it “used to be.” But nothing is as it used to be. Nothing. And nothing can be as it used to be. I also know that isn’t a bad thing, its just different. Its change. And change, while often for the better, its still very, very hard. And that silly Spring Break example leads me to the real meat of this and thats that March is “the month.” Its THE month that everything changed. I honestly wasn’t ready for it to affect me this March, the 2nd year anniversary of all the changes in our life. Year 1? I was SO ready. And I made it through with flying colors. Not even a blip. Not so much this year. I think my lack of being prepared, lack of awareness that it would hit me in year 2 is part of whats making it so hard. Fact that its still not done. Fact that the surprises and disappointments just keep coming. I actually say to myself how can there possibly be more? And yet there is. Its clearly all a part of the transition, the change, the journey to next. Goes to show how little control I have, and frankly need to have, but its a process to understand that overcoming obstacles when you aren’t ready for them are all part of the process.
So this all begs the question. When does the disappointment end? Does it? When does the process of trying to understand what seems to be impossible to understand end? Does it? When does the lack of questioning yourself and how you could have possibly missed the warning signs that MUST have been there end? Does it? When does forgiveness REALLY happen? Does it? And the guilt? The guilt you feel towards your kids for failing them as their mother? Honestly, I worry that part may never end. I don’t have the answers to all of this. What I do know is that I may never. And that I will have setbacks. The kids will have setbacks. I was told very clearly that this process is circular, not linear and that I need to accept it as that. And I did. In fact I quoted it. I embraced it and it made full sense to me. Except I missed one key piece. I don’t know when that circle ends. And that circle of grief? It’s different for all people. Even the 5 people whom I live with. So this is me, embrace this circle of grief and realizing that setbacks will happen, whether I like it or not. Love to you all. Be Brave.