My Mac Book tells me daily that my “disk space is almost full.” I know I have to handle it eventually, but not my favorite thing to spend time on. So I ignore it. Effective, huh?Then there is my iPad. Another of my 3 devices where I spend time daily doing my work. Well a couple of nights ago I was on my iPad to download a book. Not a marriage book, or a divorce book, or an entrepreneurship book or a self help book which is all I have been reading for the last 2 years, but a book for my Book Club. Yes, I recently joined a book club to force me to read for pleasure, not because I have nothing else to keep me busy, but to branch out some. But 2 books in, I have yet to read one. Also effective. I decided this is the month I am reading it. After all the book that was picked out of the fishbowl of titles was one of my 5 suggestions. Figured that was a sign, READ THE DAMN BOOK. So I decide to go the electronic route. Download to iPad, wait, what ? Download unsuccessful…..”storage space is full.” So, last night was the night. Sat down and decided its time to make space so I can get going on this book. As I began tackling what I told myself would be a short and sweet little project became a connection and an aha moment for me instead. The amount of articles saved on my iPad, (I assume for a rainy day or something?) was shocking. I have had an iPad since they hit the world of Apple so imagine how many articles I have. And boy do they run the gamut of topics. We start with all things toddler. Top games for toddlers. Best birthday party ideas. How to treat lice(I know, just keeping it real) Then there are articles about boys and what they REALLY need to succeed in school (mom of 3 boys here.) And then sports and concussions. You can see where my focuses were. Being a busy mom. Raising kids. Trying to do what all us moms do and “figure it out.” Then as I deleted, scrolled, deleted, scrolled, the topics changed. Which is where the aha moment happens.
See, the articles on my device weren’t in folders, they just happened to be in chronological order. Suddenly there were titles that make everyones stomach sink initially when you realize this is where my life and my focuses and my “google searches” began to change. All the memories of obsessively googling came flooding back to me. I remember looking to “experts,” others that had been in my shoes, really just someone or something to give me the answers to all the things I didn’t understand. There were SO many articles saved that I finally decided to count them. There were ONE HUNDRED FIFTY FOUR saved on the topics of separation, cheating, divorce, children and divorce, depression, mid life crisis, brain injuries(yes, I fully believed this involved a brain injury, don’t ask,) faith and christianity, did we ever really love each other anyway, and many more things that you can’t even imagine. Well, unless you have had the displeasure of being in the same google frenzy as me that is, you likely can’t imagine how many articles exist on ALL of this and you name it, I had saved it. Yep. But for what, another rainy day? Good news is this. I didn’t open or read one of them as I was scrolling(winning.) Also good news is I quickly connected this to the fact that “taking up space” means a whole lot more than storage space on my iPad and Mac. But these topics, articles, unanswered questions, lack of that awful word, CLOSURE, is whats taking up the most space of all. (If you stick with me awhile, you will see I am heavy on the metaphors.)
Now, in the spirt of honesty, I didn’t delete these in that moment. Something stopped me. As the saying goes, I think I needed to sleep on it. So I did, and here I am now, writing and sharing what I discovered was holding me back from clicking delete. Before I do, I want to share this, and its a terrific realization to have. It’s not my need to read them again.Or to rehash and reopen all that I was searching for “back then.” It’s not me holding onto some strange hope that this was all a bad dream and it will go back to the way things were. And it is not in anyway me hoping that somehow I can change the inevitable outcome.
So what is it? Its about me, and many women just like me, to have control of scary, bad, hurtful situations. Its about wanting and needing to fix what is wrong. Women are fixers of all things feelings and all matters of the heart. It’s also about the apology I never got. The full blown lack of “closure.” Its about what I once considered “proof” in 154 articles about right vs wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in the same beliefs, that hasn’t changed. But what good does holding on to proof do? What good does holding onto anything that isn’t positively serving you and is doing nothing but taking up space? It’s doing no good at all. So today, I deleted these articles to make more space, yes, for books if I so choose, but more importantly space for ME. Me as a single mom, as a woman who doesn’t have it all figured out but is focusing every day on whats ahead vs. what has been taking up space from behind.
As I write this 1 year and 357 days after the night that I truly believed was the worst night of my life, I am still deleting to “make space,” to grow, to learn, to be the best version of me I can become. And it’s a process, there will be set backs and likely always will be. For me and anyone else who goes through a life changing and emotional experience. I will write about it. I will talk about it. I will share about it. For one, it’s a part of what makes me, be me. And two, there are others that need to hear, to know, to have hope that you can and will go from what you think is the worst day of your life to a place of better. Everyone has a different cycle, a different story to tell. I also know this. There has always been a plan and I am not in control of the plan. Never was. Just thought I was, and I was so very wrong. But that plan? I know it is, was and will continue to be for the best, for all parties involved.
And in the words of an old, and one of my favorite, Garth Brooks songs, ‘sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers” The chorus has so much meaning to me now. It ends with “And just because he doesn’t answer, doesn’t mean he don’t care Some of Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers” Time to keep on making space. Love to you all.Be Brave.